I think I've been asked this question so many times that I figured, "hmm, might as well write it down somewhere, then anytime someone asks, it's conveniently stored in an easy-to-remember place."

Why the American Came Back to Singapore

During my job interview with my boss, I took the easy way out of that question: I've come back to Singapore because it's my home. In fact, this was only a half-truth—where exactly is home, for someone who was born in the United States and grew up hopping between American, Singaporean, and Chinese culture? Singaporeans don't consider me Singaporean, Americans don't consider me American, and the Chinese consider me as...well, an oddity that can hardly speak their language despite the black hair and claims of Asian heritage. If home is where the heart is, then where was my heart? Home, for me, has not yet been realised—at least not in this age. (I am comforted by the fact that it's coming, soon and very soon.)

The nature of identity is made even more complicated by the fact that I'm an oddity even within my own social group. As a child, I had extreme difficulties relating and adapting to my social environment—to the point where I was severely depressed and suicidal. I had few friends who were patient enough to accept my social awkwardness and gracious enough to forgive my many faults, and even fewer when I entered adolescence and thesuicidal phase of my life. Somehow, I survived the multiple suicide attempts and found myself enrolled at the University of Illinois @ Urbana-Champaign. Of course, I still had the notion in my mind that I wasn't going to live past the age of 21, so I wasn't at all motivated to attend classes, and decided to drop out after the first semester.

Days, weeks, and then months passed. As I lay in bed one night, pondering the meaning of existence, a strange notion popped into my mind: go back to Singapore. (In hindsight, I have to believe that it was divine intervention, because the few months prior to that single thought had not had even an inkling of a sense of purpose or direction.) I listened, obeyed, and found myself back in Singapore, where an old neighbour dragged me to church for the very first time. After a few months of spotty attendance at cell group and church services, I was touched by a message on forgiveness and decided to accept Christ. Shortly afterwards, I decided to return to the States and continue my university education.

I'd like to say that it was smooth sailing from then on and I excelled in my classes, etc etc...but it wasn't. I'd finally found the meaning of life, but I was still confused as to which direction I was to take. I am a highly-motivated person when I know which direction I am to go, but I had no clue what God wanted me to do or where God wanted me to be. I kept returning to Singapore during every break, however, and slowly, I saw the need for dedicated teachers in Singapore who were willing to mentor students not just in academics, but in life. My past, to a large extent, formed my perception of this need—during times of severe emotional distress in my schooling, I found support from my teachers in America, but I had never received such emotional support from teachers in Singapore. (This is not to say that they were uncaring or incompetent, but to point out thedisillusioned state of many teachers in Singapore, who in trying to fulfill the great demands put on them, seem to have lost sight of the purpose of education.) I saw that God was calling me, along with many others, to be in Singapore and be his vessel to meet this need.

That's why I'm here in Singapore. Truth be told, I'm not sure I'm really the best person for the job, especially since I have never been particularly adept at social situations. (God really has a sense of humour, doesn't he?) I do know, however, that this is where God's called me to be, and that if it is his will, then he will make a way. I mean, look at his plan for the message of salvation—first, he put it in the hands of the Israelites, then Jesus, then the disciples, and now...us. It's mind-boggling and often hard to keep in mind that he is the sovereign God, and in control at all times.

But He is.

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